What Does It Really Mean to Be Lonely?

 How do you describe lonely?  To be alone?  Does it mean to be without company? To be without companionship?  There doesn't seem to be one answer, not even for each individual.

It's easy enough to think of being lonely when you are literally by yourself.  No one around.  There were Christmas Days like this when both of my children were gone.  It was miserable.  But other times, not at Christmas, I enjoyed the time to myself. I was alone, but not lonely.

Same for eating alone.  I actually love taking a book, music, and headphones and just spending time by myself.  Lonely?  Not a chance.  It's great to have that time to put things aside and just enjoy myself.  No interruptions, no worries, no stress.

I had to learn to do other things alone without being lonely, going to the movies, shopping, small things in life that are easy to take for granted.  Some were easier than others.  On that note, you'd be surprised the funny looks you get as a single woman going to the movies.  I wonder if it is the same for men?

The worst kind of lonely is lonely in a crowd.  Not a random crowd, but a crowd that you feel like you should be a part of or should belong in.  I don't know if everyone has had that feeling, but for me, it happens at church. A lot.  I know it seems ironic that the one place that you should never feel alone is the one place I feel most alone.  I probably should explain.

For the majority of my adult life, I have sat alone at church surrounded by loving couples.  Yes, I've had my kids for part of that, but trust me, as much as I love them, it's not the same.  Part of that, most of that, has been from choices I have made.  Or to be more specific, choices about who I've married.  If you don't want to sit alone at church, don't marry men who don't care about church.  No matter how bad the rest of the week is, what else may happen to remind that I am by myself, probably permanently, church brings it all into a sharp and painful focus.  Right now, I am grateful for an organ that gives me migraines.  I can sit in the foyer, mostly by myself.  I talk to people but it's not as awkward sitting by yourself in an armchair, alone, no one really notices or asks. 

Even though I have no problems supporting myself financially or learning to do one of a million other things necessary to be alone, I'm horrible about being lonely.  Call it my fatal flaw if you will.  It's not necessarily a bad thing, but it does makes me doubt myself and not think things through enough. It's taken a lot of my confidence and a lot of me over the years.  Something I'm working on taking back.

I am at a point in my life where I will most likely spend the rest of it alone in one sense or another.  Statistically speaking, I have as much life to live as I have already lived.  Also statistically speaking, it's going to be a long, lonely time. I've spent too much of my life settling just so I wouldn't be alone or I wouldn't have to deal with things alone.  I've always known what I wanted in a relationship and settling for something else in order to avoid be lonely has left me exactly where I didn't want to be.  Does it mean I have given up hope for the "ideal" relationship?  Not really, more that it is a realization that past decisions in present circumstances aren't going to help.  

I have a wonderful family.  I have been blessed in the last few years to find some of the most amazing friends ever, in addition to some amazing ones I already had, an extended family.  I will always be and am truly grateful for all of them. Without them, I wouldn't be as strong as I am, even when I am lonely.